Dear Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Butter,
You are wonderful.
You are good on toast and biscuits and I would imagine (but wouldn’t know personally of course) you are good when licked straight off the lid. You are handsome and funny and have an excellent personality. You are kindhearted and – at $2.29 – a pretty cheap date.
In conclusion, would you like to take our relationship to the next level? Our cupboards are clear, our old jams and jellies are gone forever – please move in with us.
I anxiously await your reply,